Monday, September 13, 2010
There is no reason for the meerkat picture, other than I wanted to open with a photo and this was in my photo archives. I snapped this fellow at the SF Zoo. There is something so appealing about meerkats.
I've not had much to say lately (as you may have noticed) and it occurred to me it's partly because I'm tense. Yes, tense. And I think it's related to the start of the school year. If our history with Miss C has shown anything, it's that things don't seem to go the way we plan. Which is not a bad thing, although it's unsettling if, like me, you find security in having plans. Over recent years, September has found us launching into a new school situation, and we've tried all sorts of alternatives in an effort to find a good-fitting academic hole for our square peg child. That has led us to home-schooling, as I've described here, and things are going just fine.
But I have this sense of waiting for the other shoe to drop... As in, this is going well but what could go wrong? And no wonder, as in recent years we've started off great and then have watched as things slid slowly and painfully and inexorably downhill. No wonder I'm a bit nervous.
Parenting teaches all sorts of lessons. Patience, for one, Finding resources in yourself you didn't know were there, for another. And the current lesson that keeps whacking me in the head? Just enjoy the moment. Take where we are right now and go with that. I'm really trying to just relax and enjoy where we are RIGHT NOW. But for a person who likes to plan ahead, and sort things out and then sit back and relax, it's strangely difficult. I remind myself (even while I'm mapping out lesson plans for the next several months) that all that matters is what happens today, and tomorrow will be another day. If things need to change, we'll change them. If not, we'll keep going. It's that simple.
The only part that is not simple is me, resisting and trying to anticipate Plan B, Plan C and Plan D.
Here is another thing I'm thinking a lot about. It's typical of moms, I think, to feel unsettled and a bit distressed when their kids aren't happy. That mother thing kicks in and we do what we can to make things better. And here's a big challenge I keep bumping up against as the mom of a child with Aspergers: I can't make it better. I can't fix it. Miss C is struggling with things I can only glimpse, and I can't change that. I can try to understand her needs, and I can try to help her cope, but there are certain things she faces that I can't change. When Miss C is overwhelmed or struggling with life as she sees it through her particular lens, I can't reason her through it.
When I talk to friends who ask about how our homeschool routine is going, I can honestly say it's going great. We're feeling our way, but things are going smoothly. I just need to relax and accept that it IS going smoothly.
I think I need a massage and some chocolate. All this peaceful living in the moment has me stressed out.